Don’t go in the basement! Scream it all you want, but these tantalizing women make the wrong choice every time. Of course, that’s part of their charm. Who can stomach some of the bland, seen-it-before horror movies being made today without a bombshell annoying all the guys who will soon be so much gore on the walls? We need a damsel in distress in order to suspend our disbelief concerning the conveniently mutated mush-monster, which has been stalking our local high school since that bomb went off on the football field. (And she better be delicious.) We prefer the girl-next-door type who looks so good in jeans and a t-shirt that we can’t wait to Google her the moment the flick ends.
Many young actresses who later became box-office draws started in horror flicks. We’re not too concerned with them, though. We’re going for young ladies in recent movies whose acting is about as skillful as Steve Harvey is accurate. If they’re the main character, so be it. We’re just as impressed, though, with that eye candy standing in the corner with the confused look on her face and the tattered tank top on her back. So, here’s to 15 of the most moisture-making mavens in modern horror movies:
15. Ashley Hinshaw – The Pyramid, 2014
OK, who could’ve known that a recently discovered pyramid would have been home to bunches of evil monsters and keeper of an ancient curse? Besides all of us, of course. This claustrophobic thriller takes you underground to watch the delicate Ashley Hinshaw explore her way through tunnels and puzzles while looking thoroughly delightful in a white t-shirt and shorts. That’s at the beginning of the movie, however. Somehow, running for your life and crawling in dust tends to make a movie babe less appealing after about an hour and a half. Still, Hinshaw does her screaming best to make you want to rescue her and for what it is, The Pyramid is far from the worst monster flick you’ll watch this year.
14. Natalie Dormer – The Forest, 2016
Maybe we’re cheating a bit here because this film is brand new and its hot girl is actually famous. If you haven’t seen her in Game of Thrones, you are really missing something. In addition to being hauntingly beautiful as the only woman brave enough to marry into the Lannister family–twice– her character, Margaery Tyrell, plays the ‘game’ as well as any man and brings a genuine strength to her ever-present loveliness. In this film, she plays a similarly strong woman searching for her twin sister. No more on the plot as spoilers are never appreciated and The Forest may indeed turn out to be a show worth seeing even if Ms. Dormer does not portray a sex pot. Maybe that’s what makes it more tantalizing. Women who don’t know how gorgeous they are and don’t spend every moment trying to make themselves look better seem to be that much more attractive. Natalie has that vibe down cold in this psycho-thriller.
13. Cassidy Gifford – The Gallows, 2015
Take an aging TV talk show host still blessed in the chest, cross her with an all-world professional football player and broadcaster and what do you get? A cute little blonde perfectly suited to sneaking around a high school in a tight tank top while a spirit tries to kill her and her friends. No, the Gifford family is not full of wall flowers so it was inevitable that their children would try acting at one time or another. Despite the script consisting largely of the words “cry” and “scream,” Cassidy doesn’t embarrass herself in this campy fright story. And she downright fits the cheerleader/prom queen look the director was obviously going for. The only gripe might be that most of the movie is shot in the dark with some kind of infra-red lens, so she often looks like she has a really bad sunburn. But maybe you’re into that kind of thing.
12. Nina Dobrev – The Final Girls, 2015
We’re certain none of you ever went to bed wishing someone would cross a Friday the 13th movie with Pleasantville. But someone did. It’s a good thing the producers decided to populate this time-waster with the likes of lovely Nina because the movie plays like a acid-trippy, Scooby-Doo worshipping after school special. And if you were wondering, that’s not a good thing. You’ll likely recognize Nina from other work including The Vampire Diaries. She isn’t the main character and doesn’t spend enough quality time in any type of torn clothing but she still makes you wonder why they bothered writing such a silly plot in order to showcase her. It could have been done just as artfully by tying her to a stake and sacrificing her to a guy in a plastic fish costume. Instead, they went to all the trouble of having her group chased by a slasher with a machete as they become part of a 70s film they were watching. How original. Rent this one once and pause it during Nina’s parts. That’s about all it’s good for.
11. Missy Peregrym – Backcountry, 2014
Admittedly, this one is more of a survival movie than a horror film. But any time we get a chance to see a woman like Missy harassed and threatened by stalkers and wildlife, it’s worth looking into. Like a lot of movies that feature an incredible looking lead female, you spend the first half of the flick admiring her and wishing they’d show more, and the second half wishing she’d get cleaned up. This film is kind of a Deliverance ripoff minus the hillbillies but it does a decent job of creating the fear of isolation and getting hopelessly lost. Missy isn’t bad as the scared love interest and you simply can’t look away from her brown eyes and filled-out jeans. Perhaps a sequel is in order. One that takes place at a beach instead of a national park.
10. Jaclyn Swedberg – Muck, 2015
This is the prototypical bimbo-enhanced scream fest. Honestly, there are several gorgeous mavens of misfortune to stare at in Muck. It’s a good thing, too. If you happen to take this one in, please don’t waste your time trying to figure out the “plot.” There really isn’t one. But among the bevy of bouncing beauties trying to escape…something (we never really figured it out) Jaclyn stands up and above. Her bronze skin and dusky eyes make her seem like she should be appearing in a Mediterranean version of this flick but we don’t really care if she’s a tad out of place. Whether running from blue men or shivering in the cold of the Cape Cod swamps (Cape Cod is known for their swamps, you know) Jaclyn makes the movie goer thankful there are production companies hungry enough for low budget campiness to put her on screen.
9. Lil Baross – Hansel v. Gretel, 2015
“What we really need is another Hansel and Gretel movie! ” said absolutely no one. Take Hansel, make him a buffed, handsome, modern dude and cast an alluring dark haired model to play his sister, set them against CG special effects-laden witches and plaster it on the big screen. It’s been done. Fortunately, they cast the right model in this one. Lil Baross scorches every scene she’s in. Without giving it away, this version of the kids fable is a little different and not nearly as bad as it could have been. So if you’re going to watch it for the pleasant sight of Lil’s seductive glower, you may actually find yourself finishing it. She’s one horror minx we’d love to see in a more realistic setting and in a more successful movie.
8. Gage Golightly – Cabin Fever, 2016
Who doesn’t like their hottie covered in sweat, dirt and blood? OK, if you don’t then you’re not exactly watching the right kind of movies. Per usual, our number 8 selection is really only delectable in the beginning of the film. This is a remake, of course, but we’ll still resist the temptation to spoil the story. Suffice to say that Gage Golightly does not portray a virtuous Catholic school girl here. She spends her more appealing moments decked out in clothes normally seen in Victoria’s Secret ads or pillow-fight scenes of a National Lampoon effort. We were unimpressed with this version of the 2002 film as it really adds nothing new. Still, for those interested in a movie’s playful tart content, this one’s worth a go.
7. Ali Cobrin – Girl House, 2015
If you ever rooted for Michael Myers in the Halloween movies, this one’s for you. Another vehicle full of tantalizing female talent, Girl House is really only for those who like the stalker/slasher genre. But even if you’re more into ghost/monster stuff, you can’t go wrong with the group of 20-something teases gathered in this flick. We singled out Ali Cobrin for one reason–she resembles Rose Byrne of the X-Men franchise. A sweet face coupled with a lean yet soft body, Ali gives a performance in Girl House. Note, we didn’t say it was good, but it technically is a performance. Still, you’ll enjoy all the quality time our heroines spend in lingerie, wiggling and dancing for the camera. Really not much more to recommend here.
6. Chloe Bridges – Nightlight, 2015
Here’s another fright flick with little imagination. Found footage. Kids in the woods, Investigating a legend. It’s The Blair Witch Project: in color and minus any surprises. That doesn’t mean, though, that our starlets can’t shine. Chloe Bridges is, in our opinion, the shiniest of these glittering, teetering “teens” who party and then die in the wooded nightmare they’ve wandered into. With sultry eyes and lips that would make Mick Jagger blush, she draws your attention from the first time you see her. And since you’ve seen this movie before under several different titles you can focus on her and hope a tree branch nabs that shirt, tearing it into tiny shreds that can no longer hide her attributes.
5. Lydia Hearst – Condemned, 2015
We hope you like eyes. Lydia has them. Big, electric gazers that differentiate her from your normal scary movie jiggle queen. Condemned is a modern horror film which doesn’t prey so much on the claustrophobia of an enclosed space as it does on the hopelessness of being trapped somewhere just out of reach of help. And while Lydia doesn’t dance around whimsically in skimpy outfits, one look at her will give you that mysterious, Uma Thurman-like sexy vibe. She resembles a runway model but isn’t so skinny you can see light through her. Honestly, it would not surprise us to see her as a Bond girl someday. She’s exotic enough to pull it off.
4. Ali Costello – Private Number, 2014
This is a case of the movie not coming close to showcasing the beauty of its standout sex kitten. If you’re looking for a good view of Ali Costello, skip this movie and just Google her images. The movie attempts to be a psychological thriller but is more of a flashback kaleidoscope which gave us a headache. The acting isn’t horrible and the story isn’t without merit. But it’s way too much like an acid trip for our tastes. We suspect that if you had vertigo and watched it in reverse, you’d immediately feel better. However, if you’re old enough, you’ll certainly recognize an 80’s brat-packer (Judd Nelson – The Breakfast Club), a 90’s child star (Nicholle Thom – The Nanny) and some guy trying a little too hard to look like Frank Sinatra. Pass.
3. Sarah Dumont – Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse, 2015
You know we’re getting close to the top of the list; the movies are getting cheesier and the hotties are getting hotter. What more can bimbo-loving fans ask for than an incredibly hot blonde in a tight white t-shirt walking around with a shotgun? Paradise. As for the film, the title says it all. You’re not going to be scared by this vehicle so you may as well cheer for Sarah to jog as much as possible and bend over to pick up something she dropped quite often. The walking dead people and the Boy Scouts kind of just get in the way. As a sequel, we propose Lifeguards Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse with Sarah reprising her role but in her new position as, well, a lifeguard. She can dump the zombies in the drink and stretch out in her red one piece, restoring order to the galaxy.
2. Kacey Barnfield – World War Dead: Rise of the Fallen, 2015
This isn’t fair. Look at her. It’s just a shame they made her actually try to act. This movie is way too depressing and dark for such an exquisite creature. That’s really the only reason she doesn’t make it to the top spot. Also billed as Kacey Clarke, this bulging babe hides her talents for most of the movie under far too much material. Her face is well worth looking at, mind you, but the producer should be ashamed he wasted such a golden opportunity. Another confined creep-fest, World War Dead at least separates itself from the other zombie pics with a unique back story. It’s slow at first but quickens nicely and doesn’t leave you wondering when the action will start. A nice find even if Kacey isn’t what she should have been.
1. Brooke Butler – The Sand, 2015
Here we have it. The perfect combination of silly story, laughable special effects, a large man stuck in a trash can, and gorgeous women clad in bikinis the entire time. And leading the pack is a lovely lady named Brooke Butler who likely auditioned for this role after reading about it in a bathroom stall. She’s an incredible example of American good looks. Thin but not skinny, no tats or obnoxious piercings. Just all blonde. We would go into some detail about the plot but you really have to see it to believe it. The budget for this thing must have been whatever the director had in his wallet at the moment he pitched it. Thankfully, the vixens save the day, making The Sand an acceptable substitute for a truly scary movie. Enjoy.
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