Some may say that these days sex is everywhere. With everything available at your fingertips on the internet, and the recent films such as 50 Shades of Grey, it’s all a bit overkill.
But before all that, nudity and movies went hand in hand. There was nothing better than watching a movie and the young Hollywood starlet of the day. It’s like snow days when you’re a child. Having an extra toy in your cereal, or finding a winning lottery ticket on the street. It’s all absolutely magical.
A great erotic scene can improve even the worst movies. It can arouse, entertain, add to the story and it can even make you think. When done right, nudity in movies can be perfection.
But then there are times when Hollywood gets it wrong. From the uncomfortable to the implausible. The unattractive to the darn right bizarre. (We’re coming for you Howard the Duck!)
In this list we remember the moments that we desperately wish we could forget. The moments that not only made us reach for the remote, but also had us screaming at the screen – “Oh no, please no. For the love of God put it away!”
The moments that scarred us as we vowed never to have sexual intercourse again.
Warning: the following images may cause hilarity, queasiness and even nausea!
10. Billie Gibson – The Shining
We should all know by now that nudity in a horror film will be a trick. After all, the film is made to scare us. Will we ever learn?
This classic scene in the Stanley Kubrick directed film doesn’t have many faults. And when a gorgeous Lia Beldam steps out of the bath tub, things look even better. Her slim frame drips wet from the shower and Jack Nicholson can’t help but take her in his arms and try to get himself a piece.
Skip a few seconds later and the slender figure of Lia is replaced with the old, decaying Billie Gibson. The camera lingers on her diseased body for so long that we soon forget Lia was even there. Soon it’s not just Jack that’s desperate to leave the room as we all scramble for the exit. A disturbingly brilliant scene that scarred us all for life.
9. Joan Collins – The Stud
For the older generation, a chance to see either of the Collins sisters in a sex scene would have been a dream come true. Before her days in dynasty, Joan Collins had made a name for herself as a Hollywood pin-up, starring in several films in the 50s and 60s.
It was during the 60s that saw the rise of the Collins brand. Jackie, who wrote the novel and adapted the screenplay, and her older sister Joan who played her leading lady.
This film didn’t come out till the late 70’s. Joan was already well into her forties and parading around as if she was a play girl bunny in her twenties. Not that there’s anything wrong in that. Just poor Joan couldn’t quite pull it off.
Plus sex on a swing over a pool? Overkill. Cheesy. No thank you.
And the less said about the sequel The Stud, the better.
8. Angelina Jolie – Beowulf
Angelina Jolie plus nudity equals Heaven.
Or at least it should. The idea of a naked Jolie slowly emerging from a lake put fans into overdrive when this film came out in 2006. But when viewed, the disappointment sinks in your stomach like a lead balloon. The overblown CGI used in this film completely takes away any erotic feel to it. Angie’s head bobs around on top of an overly animated body as a strange tail/ponytail, swishes around behind her. The whole thing is both disturbing and freakish, leaving a bitter taste of disappointment in the mouth. This is an example of when a nude scene could have saved an either wise bad film. Another mouthful of disappointment.
Still, hats off to the CGI magicians. Someone in that studio had to take her full body measurements to map the animation.
Who’s turn is it next with the tape measure?
7. Elizabeth Berkley – Showgirls
An example here of a young actress desperate to shake off her clean cut image. We see it all the time in pop music.
Fresh from her role on Saved by the Bell, Elizabeth Berkley jumps straight into the adult world and into the world of Las Vegas erotic dance. Every movie fan rushed to the doors of their local movie theater in order to witness an amazing event. After a few topless scenes we then get to the swimming pool.
What starts out as a run of the mill seduction scene between Elizabeth and the bum-chinned Kyle MacLachlan quickly turns into something ridiculous as she starts insanely thrashing about. Are they having sex? Is she drowning? Is she being eaten alive by a kraken? We don’t know and we don’t want to know.
Hilarious? yes. Erotic? no.
6. Julie Andrews – S.O.B
“Marry Poppins what are you doing?” That’s the cry you can hear from anyone watching this film. So many beloved characters this woman has portrayed, all destroyed within a moment of seeing flesh.
The film itself is a satirical take on Hollywood. A successful movie producer suddenly has a flop and his reputation is in tatters. After a few attempted suicides, he decides that the best way to win back his peers is to re-do his flop in the form of a soft-core adult musical. Yep, the film within a film routine. With the promise that his wife will appear topless in his musical, it’s sure to win him back respect. So the scene approaches and as Andrews stands there for a prolonged take, showing the world her assets, it’s deeply disturbing to the audience. Us the audience. It is like walking in on your auntie changing. Or worse still, your grandmother. No, Julie this won’t do. A spoon full of sugar will not help this go down.
5. Lea Thompson – Howard the Duck
As promised, the duck is going to get it!
A comic book adaptation, George Lucas producing and the gorgeous Lea Thompson in the starring role. All these ingredients should equal a box office smash hit. Wrong. What we get instead is a ridiculous duck puppet that can’t move its mouth properly and a scene so disturbing, that it not only made this film a box office bomb, it also pretty much ended the career of the promising Lea Thompson. The film centers around Howard, a duck from the planet Duckworld. Howard is propelled from his world and ends up on Earth. He then sees that Lea is about to be attacked by thugs. So with his special powers of ‘Quack – Fu,’ Howard defeats the thugs and saves the day. Sparks begin to fly between our two stars and it’s not long before the inevitable happens. Cut to the bedroom.
It was suppose to be sweet and cute, but we get disturbing and basically beastiality. As Thompson rides around in her underwear for a duck romp. No amount of ‘Quack – Fu’ can release the inner shame for this movie. No wonder it is often voted as the worst movie ever made.
4. Kate Winslet – Holy Smoke
Kate Winslet is never one to shy away from a good nude scene. In fact the Oscar-winning actress has been naked in nine of her films. And we are thankful for that. However, this film takes the nude scene in a different direction.
The film follows Kate’s character as she runs off to India for some life-changing travel. Life changing is what she gets. After her parents learn that Kate is hanging out with a guru named Baba and has even changed her name, they fear that she’s been taken over by a cult. After concocting several stories in order to get Kate to come home, her mother goes out to India, has an asthma attack and this persuades Kate to come back. Once home, her parents are even more appalled by the changes in their daughter so they call upon an expert. In comes Harvey Keitel. Who sets about trying to ‘de-program’ her. In the nude scene, Winslet is standing naked in front of Keitel, climaxes and then urinates on herself. Some fans may well like the urination thing, but for the rest of us, it was a turn off.
A brilliant film for sure, but a thumbs down on the erotic front.
3. Meg Ryan – In The Cut
There are many points in an actor’s career when they decide to say ‘yes’ to nudity. It can be for artistic reasons, important to the plot, the age of the actor in which they’ve lost all inhibitions about it. For Meg Ryan, we feel it was her attempt to shake the image of the world’s romantic comedy sweetheart. A title we all feel she deserved.
So then comes In the Cut. After her character hears about a person who was killed after giving oral sex, she’s suddenly in the mood for something dirty. Cue rough and uncomfortable sex with Mark Ruffalo. The tone of the film and the actors involved just don’t make it click. The whole thing leaves a foul taste in our mouths and I can’t help but wonder “what would Tom Hanks say?”
He’d probably tell her to stick to what she does best. Rom Coms.
2. Kathy Bates – About Schmidt
How we love Kathy Bates. The multi award winning actress has brought us some of the best moments in movie and T.V history. Misery still gives many of us nightmares!
But there’s one of her many talents we thought, and hoped, we’d never see. In this film we see her relaxing in a hot tub; we know what’s coming. We want to hide behind the couch, close our eyes and go to our happy place. But we can’t look away. It’s like watching a three-legged animal try and walk. We know it’s wrong to stare but we just can’t help it. As the scene slowly unfolds and Bates is there, letting it all hang out, literally. We are all with Jack Nicholson as he looks on in disbelief, once again being confronted with a life-scarring event. Cue another dash for the exit!
Nothing but respect for Kathy for doing it. But please, never again.
1. Shannon Elizabeth – Jack Frost
Firstly, this is not the Micheal Keaton-led family comedy of the same name. Put this on for your children over the holiday season and watch them scream and cower in fear as the snowman they just made in the yard wants to kill them! This is the 1996 horror flick about a killer who, after an accident, can control ice and snow at will. If the premise isn’t bad enough, we now come to the scene in question. A naked Shannon Elizabeth slips into the bath for a nice relaxing soak. Randomly a carrot bobs up in the water. Thinking nothing of it, she continues her bath until the water freezes. Then enters the snowman in all its glory as it attacks and abuses poor Shannon. We also get the sense that the carrot from earlier wasn’t used as a nose!
How a scene can be so many things at once. Brutal, comical, disturbing and darn right ridiculous. It has all of those, making it top of the list and a scene that many people would like to erase from their memories. Worse still is that this film spawned a sequel!
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