This Caitlyn Jenner thing is unavoidable, and many have tried, but it’s everywhere. Tolerance and acceptance are the words of the day and anybody who does anything other than praise the “woman of the hour”, is immediately shamed to the fullest extent of the internet’s hippy, leftist wrath. Of course, the vast majority of talking heads are focusing on her transformation, and this “emotional journey” and how it’s going to “make the word a better place”. Very few people have publicly suggested that it’s a publicity stunt to remain relevant.
I won’t say that’s what this is, but I will say, for a celebrity who may be on his or her way out of the limelight, doing something of the “flavor of the week” variety is on page one of the “everyone, please look at me” playbook. This week’s flavor is tolerance and acceptance of any and all lifestyle choices. Now that she’s a woman, many are suggesting that some time soon, there will be a sex tape. It follows logically, as it will just add to the flames of the publicity (not that this string of events is one big publicity stunt).
With regard to that tape that may now be in the making, it will likely be awful. Vanity Fair can use Photoshop and makeup until the cows come home, but a 65 year old transgender former Olympian has got to be quite a sight. In anticipation of what is probably on the way, here is a look back at some other celebrity sex tapes that probably didn’t need to happen.
10. Tonya Harding
There’s no real problem with Tonya Harding’s appearance in her video, but the major drawback from this video was the fact that she was so drunk. She wasn’t just drunk, she was lit up like a Christmas tree. She filmed herself going at it and because she appeared in a wedding dress in part of it, she claimed it was from her wedding night.
Tonya Harding is of course a former figure skater who was implicated in a conspiracy to assault competitor Nancy Kerrigan, back in 1994. While she was one of the best figure skaters of her time, she is primarily remembered for the conspiracy and sex tape.
9. Hulk Hogan
Considering he is in his 60’s now, Hulk Hogan looks pretty good, but that does not mean he should be nude and drilling someone on video. It was just back in 2012 when his sex tape made its rounds on the internet. There is some backstory to the video; the woman, Heather Clem, was allegedly obsessed with Hogan and schemed her way into his pants.
She was the wife (now divorced) of Bubba the Love Sponge, a radio broadcaster, who actually filmed the two of them going at it. Quite a friendship. After the film was leaked, Hogan sued the couple, and following the settlement, Bubba apologized.
This 2004 tape was actually halfway between a sex tape and a real adult film. It essentially boils down to Chyna (Joanie Lauler) and D-Generation X teammate X-Pac (Sean Waltman) travelling and doing the nasty in roughly every way possible. It wasn’t the worst thing ever to be filmed, but Chyna is a large lady and the muscles are a bit more than most want to see in an adult performer.
She would go on to appear in other adult films after 1 Night in Chyna, including a sequel, and an Avengers parody in which she played She-Hulk.
7. Gene Simmons
The bassist/vocalist from the rock band Kiss was in a sex tape with an Austrian energy drink rep girl who has only ever been called “Elsa”. They named the character from Frozen after her. That was a joke, but feel free to scar some Disney fans for life.
Gene Simmons’ sex tape was pretty awful, even though the girl was absolutely gorgeous. She seemed willing to participate but she refused to kiss him multiple times, perhaps due to old man breath? This was back in 2008, when he was 59 years old, so old man breath may have been the problem.
6. Dustin Diamond
Yep, Screech made a sex tape. It was released in 2006, and his original story was that it involved two women who decided to jump him after a bachelorette party. Dustin Diamond called it Screech: Saved by the Smell, because every adult film needs a hilarious pun-filled title.
He changed his story over the years and has claimed that while he was present while the film was made, he used a “stunt-penis” for much of the actual sex. He also claimed that the tape itself was “an opportunistic moment when I was young and dumb” but in his defense, we think he was just trying to cross something off the list of every young man’s dreams; the elusive threesome.
5. Kid Rock and Scott Stapp
Maybe this was Scott Stapp’s way of convincing people that Creed was not a Christian rock band. This video involves Kid Rock and Scott Stapp fooling around with some groupies on Rock’s tour bus back around the year 2000. If you’re a fan of skinny dudes who look like meth-heads fresh off the Jerry Springer show, it isn’t half bad, but not everyone is into that kind of stuff.
4. Tom Sizemore
Tom Sizemore is one of those actors who has actually been typecast fairly well. He almost exclusively plays a tough guy in army movies. Pearl Harbor, Saving Private Ryan and Black Hawk Down are three of the most well known films in which he has been. Recently he has been in mostly B and C level movies, and is in the news more for cocaine related problems than actual acting.
Several years ago he booked a hotel and a few hookers, and filmed the sex party that ensued. It doesn’t take a parole officer to see that he is coked out of his mind and that he actually has trouble doing the deed. With that said however, he gave it a hell of an effort and trying to take on multiple women was admirable. But with that said, this is one sex tape that probably didn’t need to be made.
3. Verne Troyer
There is obviously a market for “little people videos”, but there are many people out there who can no longer watch the Austin Powers series because of this tape. Verne Troyer was of course Mini-Me in that film, and about ten years ago, he was filmed having sex with now ex-girlfriend Ranae Shrider. He tried to block TMZ from distributing segments of the tape, but because it was filmed with her camera, the video was not taken down.
Still though, even though he wasn’t a fan of the video being shown, good for him, the girl was attractive.
2. Paris Hilton
There are three reasons this tape is so high on our list of bad celeb sex tapes. The first of these is that everything with her name on it needs to be burned. Paris Hilton is famous for being a spoiled brat, and essentially rose to fame because of the hard work of her ancestry. Second, she is incredibly lazy in bed; hardly moving, making no noise, and even answering her phone at one point. Those three things are more than enough to kick someone out of bed. Third and finally, she’s unattractive, whether in night-vision or not. She became a model because she is tall and skinny, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we want to watch her on camera, doing the deed.
1. R. Kelly
The only celebrity sex tape that is probably worse than Paris Hilton’s, and of course all the others on this list, is none other than R.Kelly’s. He’s one of the best R&B artists ever to share his singing gift with the world, but his sex tape was a truly awful creation. In short, he was filmed having sex with and urinating on an underage girl. He claimed it wasn’t him in the film, and ultimately he was acquitted of all charges. However, it is still very widely believed that it was him. Furthermore, of course he denies it, who would admit to peeing on a 14 year old?