In the name of Simon Cowell, just get it over with. When you’re a kid, you know that two bullies on the block will eventually fight. In pop culture, though, we are apparently not smart enough to just put a couple of annoying people in a cage, lock the door and let the blood flow. No rules. Scratching and gouging allowed–encouraged, even. And if we, the audience, get a certain satisfaction or arousal from it, well, so much the better. It is, after all, our heads they’ve been causing to ache for too long a time. In ancient times, gladiators would be given cheap implements of war with which to bludgeon each other. The punishment for the loser, besides eternal shame, shall be a virtual-reality shearing with grade-school scissors before being dunked in honey and fed to Rosie O’Donnell. Unless Beyoncé loses … then we’ll take bids (she gets fed to the highest bidder directly after the honey-dunking).
Here’re 10 real and fantasy celebrity fights we’d just love to see.
10. Taylor Swift v. Beyoncé
Kanye West set this one up, now he needs to sit ringside as Taylor Swift gets her some payback. As we see it, this one ends in an upset as Taylor shrieks Beyoncé into submission at center ring, stinging the Queen B with slap after slap from the deceptively strong drinking straws she calls arms. Unable to cope, Beyoncé screams for her man to rescue her. He of course is too busy laying out dead presidents to impress some arm candy sitting behind him to hear her. Battered and shamed, Beyoncé recovers and challenges T Swift to sing the high notes of Irreplaceable. In a stunning comeback, Beyoncé tastes victory at last when Taylor admits she never understood the lyrics.
9. Louie DePalma v. Tyrion Lannister
This is the ultimate contest of the low blows. Vertically challenged heir to Casterly Rock, Tyrion Lannister, takes his wisdom and cunning into the ring against equally tiny but vitriolic Louie from Taxi. We think Louie would start off on the offensive, cracking wise about his foe being a Lannister uncle of kids so chromosomally unbalanced they can see around two corners at once. Then the dastardly dispatcher would try a few wrestling moves while trying to insert his bright read cigar butt into The Imp’s Narrow Sea. All of this for naught, however, as Tyrion throws strategy to the wind and simply calls forth Bronn to impale little Louie, cut off his giblets, and serve them to Elaine Nardo in a spinach salad.
8. Sarah Palin v. Tina Fey
Now who hasn’t imagined rough stuff between these two nerdy brunettes? Tina Fey made no attempt to hide her disdain of the former Alaska governor while she was impersonating her on SNL. Perhaps she’d like the opportunity to throw claws with her in close quarters? Honestly, Tempestuous Tina would have little chance against a momma bear quite fed up with her mocking. Smarmy sarcasm might get you a job hosting the Emmy’s but it’s not much of a weapon in a cage match. Fey would likely end up resembling a gutted salmon with a perky little nose.
7. Ronda Rousey v. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The Brawl of the Braless? Buffy, the erstwhile bane of bloodsuckers everywhere, against the Armbar Beauty in a female fight so rough we would have to stay away. A girl on girl scrum that would have 15-year-old boys everywhere heading to the restroom. Ronda Rousey, buffed up and deadly primed, would be wise to try to corner her spunky counterpart before she busts out any axes or knives. Buffy, never one to take busting a stake off in a vamp’s posterior too seriously, would approach her foe with whimsy and a few teen-speak jibes. As with all Rousey’s fights, it likely wouldn’t last long. We see this one going Buffy’s way as soon as she tags in her stunt-double, who then does a reverse kick, floors the bruiser and holds a picture of Holly Holm in her face. Ringside, the Scooby Gang would go nuts hoping a Slayer victory might ignite a reunion episode where their careers might rise from the dead.
6. Candace Cameron Bure v. Raven Symone
We know they can’t stand each other. In this corner you have the former Cosby Kid who may or may not have escaped a pharmaceutical handling at the hands of Dr. Huxtable. And in the other corner you have the newest token Christian to be showcased on The View in an attempt to prove they don’t hate…Christians. Surely it would be far more interesting than actually watching their show. Perhaps having one rule which forbids either girl speaking would be in order. This would be a real hissing fight, with Raven Symone probably winning in a TKO. And if Candace Cameron Bure ever got the upper hand, we’re sure Whoopi Goldberg would be happy to tag-in to finish off her “friend and co-host.”
5. Archie Bunker v. Bernie Sanders
We have finally found the quintessential ‘pinko’ which Archie was always talking about. Bernie Sanders’ faithful followers, composed mostly of people who would require a diaper change mid-fight, would chant “Bern Baby Bern!”–a suggestion old Archie would likely take hold of with relish. Being used to dealing with Meatheads, Archie could easily explain the difference between supply side economics and Socialism while grabbing Bernie’s scraggly locks and setting them aflame with his cigar lighter. Sanders might scream but would soon be stifled by the Hero of Hauser Street. This fight would never make a second round and Gloria’s daddy could relax center-ring in his favorite chair while Sander’s tried to stop-drop-and-roll.
4. Ben Affleck v. The Movie-Going Public
Gigli … Pearl Harbor … Daredevil … How many roles must this thespian misanthrope mangle before theatres stop charging for the ticket in advance? Miles of cinema carpeting has been ruined by the exodus of audience members leaving the 2-hour mind cramps this guy calls movies with eyes fixed in a rolled position. If this bout were announced, the throngs of the cheated would overwhelm the venue, forcing the local sheriff to fearfully tell management, “You’re gonna need a bigger building.” Poor Ben Affleck would be tossed about by the masses and pummeled in a way so cheesy and unrealistic that there’d be no way to mistake his involvement. Afterward, asked for a comment, we can hear his buddy Matt Damon stating the obvious, “Well… he really does suck. ”
3. Penny Hofstadter v. Winnie Cooper
Dream girls face off in kind of a TV Fantasy version of Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. Since we’re all in on the joke that there’s no flipping way Kevin Arnold or Leonard Hofstadter would even sniff the air these cuties breathe in real life, it seems necessary to at least see which of them could defend her own honor. We feel that the audience should get a vote in what type of togs they wear while in the ring. Perhaps something in silk would be appropriate. Unfortunately, we’d likely go in looking for a cat fight and see a kitten fight. Some feelings would be hurt to be sure–but we’d not expect much else outside some pouty eyes and ruined mascara.
2. Brian Williams v. Ron Burgundy
One is a fake news anchor. The other is played by Will Ferrell. We’re certain of one thing at least; the story of the fight would be exciting whether it really was or not. Burgundy has about five inches and five tons more credibility than Williams so the tale of the tape is a bit skewed. As we know, Burgundy is kind of a big deal. People know him. People used to know Brian Williams until he decided it would be beneficial to pretend his life as a pampered news anchor was like an issue of some G.I. Joe style comic book. After an initial thrashing and Williams’ quick surrender, we would expect an emotional post-skirmish speech from the former NBC head newsman about how he hadn’t experienced so much pain since he was beheaded at the Battle of Tours in 732 AD.
1. June Cleaver v. Peg Bundy
If Ward had ever caught June lounging on the sofa, eating candy and nearly coming out of her overly tight capris pants, gosh golly there’d be heck to pay. Since Al would likely be in June’s corner instead of that of his teetering wife, Peg would go it alone. We predict June wins in a rout, dumping Peggy off the couch and shoe-whipping her with her freshly polished white pumps. All this while vacuuming and getting the table set for dinner. Peg would never know what hit her and wouldn’t care even if she did. Unfortunately for the Beave, his attempts to comfort Kelly in the crowd would be rejected like so many of Eddie Haskell’s faux-compliments.