In essence, we all like to believe that we’re amazing in bed. Whether we have one steady sexual partner or multiple, whoever gets the benefit of sleeping with us, we like to think that we please them. Sure, sometimes there’s a learning curve with some people, since we all have preferences, and a good, healthy sexual relationship between two mature adults allows each person to express their needs so that they’re better met in the future. That’s called improvement. Outright sucking in bed, though? No one wants to hear that.
Still, almost all of us has encountered some less than orgasmic lover who just doesn’t get us going. Maybe you never tell them to their face that they don’t exactly light your fire. You just do so through your friends and gripe and vent to them. In Hollywood though, celebrities don’t have the same benefit of anonymity. Since not all stars tend to be attracted only exclusively to the rich and famous, if one of them has a poor sexual encounter with a civilian, you can bet that it’s not going to be kept quiet. Social media has only complicated the issue, allowing for real time feedback practically as soon as the deed is done.
Of course, rumors are just that: rumors. Since none of us have ever had these celebrities in our bed (and if you have, you’re a very lucky man or woman indeed), we can only go off of the shoddy and vague reports that we’ve read about these celebrities. Still, a reputation like this isn’t one that any star wants following them around.
10. Brody Jenner
Relationships go sour in Hollywood every day, and Brody Jenner and Kristin Cavallari of The Hills fame were no exception. For a while, Jenner picked his girlfriends based on whether they were on the hit reality show, since he had also dated Lauren Conrad. She may not have said anything about Jenner’s sexual prowess after that couple fizzled, but Cavallari didn’t lend him the same courtesy. She stated that he was just vanilla, which is a pretty stinging barb.
As for Jenner? He decided to rebut in public about Cavallari’s commentary, stating that: “I laugh at that, and you’ll laugh too once you see the rest of the season [of The Hills].” Yeah, okay, that sounds like a TV plug if there ever was one, but Jenner spoke about sex again very recently to GQ. When the magazine called him a sex enthusiast, he answered, “I don’t even know what that is.” Huh. Maybe Cavallari was right.
For as many years as Eminem has been in the rap game (since 1999), he’s been romantically associated with Kim Mathers, his twice-removed ex-wife. That’s right. They wed in 1999, had a bitter and acrimonious split that Slim Shady used as the inspiration for plenty of his music, trash-talked each other to the media, and then somehow got back together again and even remarried for a spell in 2006.
As mentioned, their breakup was hideously ugly, about as down and dirty as any two splitting spouses in the spotlight can be. Therefore, you might want to take it with a grain of salt when Kim said that Em is “not very well endowed.” She continued: “If you’re going to have sex with Marshall, make sure you have a little blue pill, because otherwise it does not work.” Well, it has to work somewhat if she can’t stay away from him.
8. Judd Apatow
A lot of the celebrities on this list are receiving accusations from desperate and angry ex-lovers that want to drag their names through the mud. Judd Apatow is different. He’s happily married to Leslie Mann, and he’s also happy to drag himself through the mud rather than let anyone else do it. He’ll be the first to bring up how he’s pretty rubbish in bed. He’s also gone a little TMI into the conversational area of pubic hair (apparently he dyes them).
“I said to the girl after my first time, ‘Hey, was it good for you too?’ And she said, ‘Well, I guess it’ll get better eventually.'” That’s fair enough for anyone’s first foray into sex, but it seems silly and a bit bewildering why the This Is 40 director would continually bring up the past again and again. Hopefully he’s improved since then, but only Leslie knows.
7. Jesse James
Everyone remembers when Jesse James ripped up Sandra Bullock‘s heart in 2010 by revealing that he had been cheating on her multiple times with various women. It shouldn’t have been too surprising considering that James had been married two other occasions by that point. Still, as despised as he was, tattoo artist Kat Von D decided to become his girlfriend and even his fiancée. She too was a victim of his cheating ways.
James is married now (to Alexis DeJoria, a racer), but you would think that a man that can get with that many women surely possesses a little something-something in the bedroom. Not so according to Brigitte Daguerre, one of his mistresses. She called him a “dud in bed who only cared about himself.” Huh. No wonder he couldn’t hold down a relationship for a good while there. DeJoria should keep her eyes peeled.
6. 50 Cent
Hip-hop stars always try to live up to a reputation, especially the biggest names in the game. They’re gangsters, they’re tough, they’ll fight you anywhere, they can get all the women in the club, and you don’t want to mess with them. This isn’t the image that every rap star conveys, but it is one that 50 Cent is a fan of. Well, as we’ve found out already, some women really like to talk, especially if they’re non-celebrities eager to lap up their 15 minutes of fame. One exotic dancer that 50 shared the night with is a great example.
“He was saying corny lines like ‘You know I really like you’…After a couple of minutes of that, I had to tell him—are we going to get it popping or are we going to talk. I couldn’t believe it—here was 50, supposed to be acting all tough, acting like a 14 year old boy,” she said.
Okay, that’s not so bad, but here’s the icing on the cake: “50 is definitely not packing. He’s barely 6 inches…I was thinking, what does he expect to do with that little thing?” Ouch. After giving him a “three out of 10” for sex, and only because he was “respectful,” we’re thinking 50 should choose his company more carefully.
5. Hugh Hefner
Considering that Hugh Hefner is almost 90 years old, it’s a wonder that he can have sex at all. The Playboy owner has no trouble in the slightest getting the sexiest, most buxom women in the world to live with him in his Playboy Mansion. Some even become his girlfriends or wife, such as Crystal Harris, one of his bunnies. It almost seems unfair then to say anything sexually negative about the old man considering his age. That didn’t exactly stop ex Izabella St. James, though.
St. James published a memoir, and of course she couldn’t help but recount her time as a Playmate. “I wanted to see if this experienced King of Sexdom knew anything the rest of us did not,” she wrote. “But he just lay there like a dead fish. We often wondered why he did it at all. He must know deep down that it is just a show. But he is trying to live out this fantasy he has been selling to people since 1954.” Way to kill the dream.
4. Nick Lachey
Say it ain’t so. If most teenage girls in the late 1990s weren’t fantasizing about the dreamy members of the Backstreet Boys or N’Sync, then they were thinking about 98 Degrees and its leader Nick Lachey. He and singer Jessica Simpson seemed like a match made in sticky bubblegum pop heaven when they got together. They even had their own reality show in an age when these programs were just coming into prominence. However, it was not happily ever after for the two.
As Simpson has stated, she had decided to wait until she got married to have sex. She couldn’t have really known what she was doing either, but she sure couldn’t wait to blab about Lachey’s bedroom skills years after the fact. “Nick’s small package was a problem sometimes. Like the first time we had sex, to tell you the truth, I didn’t really feel much, I faked the whole thing. I really felt sorry for him. I still loved him though,” she said. As if that makes it better.
3. Maria Sharapova
While Nick Lachey may be eye candy for the women, what sports-watching man didn’t think about Maria Sharapova sexually at least once? Adam Levine got to live many a guy’s dream when he bedded the superstar tennis player. However, he later went on to shatter those same dreams when he came clean about what the experience was like.
“I can’t tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she’d be the loud screaming type,” he admitted. “She wouldn’t make any noise during sex… She just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said it ‘ruined her concentration.’ It was so disillusioning that I went on Paxil for a month afterwards.” Levine later tried to retract the statement, perhaps because it proved too hurtful to Sharapova, but what’s said can’t be unsaid.
2. Russell Brand
What’s the attraction with Russell Brand? While yes, for maybe one hot minute we were happy for Katy Perry when she seemingly found her Prince Charming, it didn’t last long. Brand, much like another of Perry’s exes John Mayer, just has that kind of skeevy look about him, although the Get Him to the Greek funnyman is far worse. He never cheated on Perry, he just decided that he didn’t want to be married to her anymore. Regardless, it wasn’t the “Firework” singer who spoke about Brand in bed but rather Georgina Baillie, another ex-love of his.
Baillie is the granddaughter of Andrew Sachs, star of UK show Fawlty Towers. One recurring line from the show is “que?,” one that apparently Brand favored quite a lot during sex with Baillie. She also claimed that he was quite disappointing otherwise. Yeesh. Perhaps the bed wasn’t the right place to show one’s love for an old TV show.
1. Colin Farrell
How many celebrities have to go through the wringer before men learn that it’s not cool to sleep with your housekeeper, babysitter, nanny, or any other hired help? Back in 2006, star Colin Farrell learned this tough lesson the hard way as well when he hooked up with a nanny that once worked for Woody Allen. Like a few other women on this list, she decided to kiss and tell for a blurb on the Internet.
“He was so keen to have me, he didn’t want to wear any protection,” she recalled. “He just said, ‘It’ll be OK, it’ll be OK.’ But for all his ardor, it was like he was reading from a textbook, lurching from one position to another… We made love three times but the actual sex only lasted 10 minutes in total… To be fair, he did try to give me pleasure, kissing me all down my body — but his heart wasn’t really in it. I kept having to fake orgasms — one, two, three — to keep him happy and let him keep his dignity.” The nanny noted that it seemed like Farrell’s “first time.” Somehow, we doubt his bed was full for a while after this story dropped.