It’s okay folks, there is nothing to be ashamed of; we can all just admit that we’re fascinated by people who have the means and desire to radically alter their appearances via plastic surgery. What’s more, we’re even more appreciative when the results are undeniably creepy and wrong. Some celebrities have taken this self absorption to such extremes that they are currently unrecognizable as organic matter, and have become living advertisements for the dangers of existing in an age of fatuous excess. It’s simply unfathomable to most people why anyone would consider completely unnecessary surgery to appear younger, more vibrant and sexier, when the results are all too often reminiscent of a 1950s B grade movie monster. Let’s look on in wonder then at the top 10 most horrific celebrity plastic surgeries.
10) Daryl Hannah
Mercy, where to begin? Once a Hollywood femme fatale, Ms. Hannah has transformed herself into a cautionary tale of epic proportions. It’s clear that at some point during her numerous procedures, she simply decided that she could definitely look less human and went for it. The result is what can only be described as unsettling. In an always surprising move, someone with unusually good looks opts for wholly unnecessary surgery and winds up resembling a carnival sideshow. Despite this, they then decide that they really want to be the star attraction. Half a dozen surgeries later, and voila; a proto-human obscenity is born. In a word? ‘Eww…..’
9) Bruce Jenner
You would never know it to look at this aging Elfin Queen now, but once upon a time in 1976, Jenner was a Gold medal athlete and one of the most photographed people in the world. After winning the Decathlon at the Summer Olympics in Montreal, Jenner’s insanely good looks and natural charm made him an instant celebrity, appearing on countless television commercials and ABC Wide World of Sports specials, notably The Superstars. Then, the 1980s happened, and Bruce Jenner decided to take advantage of all the incredible plastic surgery breakthroughs that had emerged since 1979. The result would make Dr. Frankenstein proud. Currently the most homely member of the kannibal Kardashian klan, Jenner has vowed to make further ‘improvements’ that will likely be described as ‘unholy.’
Never one to shy away from admitting to her numerous procedures, Cher has consistently maintained the appearance of E.T. the Extraterrestrial’s grandmother by steadfastly keeping the Los Angeles plastic surgery industry afloat for over 30 years. Despite her child Chaz undergoing transgender surgery, Cher still has him beat when it comes to unadulterated extremism under the knife. For someone constantly attempting to look like she’s still 27, Cher has done little more than demonstrate that someone nearing 70 can actually look 90 with the ‘proper’ tweaking.
7) Carrot Top
Not content having already been born with an unusual appearance, comedian Scott ‘Carrot Top’ Thompson has obviously decided to pull off the ultimate joke by transforming himself from a slightly built, weird looking Ginger into a steroid-fuelled Orc soldier from Lord of the Rings. This has clearly been accomplished by what can only be surmised as a lifetime supply of Botox injected in one sitting. Clearly trying to cash in on that old saying, ‘Chicks dig freaks,’ Carrot Top must be swimming in lady love with his newly contorted features that say nothing if not, ‘Help me!’
6) Kathy Griffin
These photos of the infamous comedienne prove that the words ‘Ye Gods!’ are still as poignant as ever. The acid tongued entertainer must have decided some time ago that melting her face down with that same acid might as well be the next stage in her evolution. Countless procedures have allowed Griffin to defy the Hollywood ageist culture by demanding she be surgically altered into a living Mummy without the wrapping. In a stunning demonstration of why all surgery should be non-elective, the results are a mixed bag of well deserved pathos and inescapable terror.
5) Wayne Newton
Newton has single handedly made male celebrity plastic surgery as appealing as a Roofie and Jalapeno enema. Newton’s schoolgirl complexion, silky smooth voice and boy-next-door good looks made him a favorite of Senior citizens from the beginning of his career. Not satisfied with his legions of ‘Granny Groupies’ however, Newton began a series of surgeries to boost his sex appeal somewhere between the late 1970s and early 1980s that continues to this day. The result appears to be a lifelong experiment in self delusion. Suffering from the intractable belief that distorting himself into a replica of a Bela Lugosi Halloween mask will somehow distract from the burning train wreck that is his actual face, is just brilliant marketing. Or not.
4) Donatella Versace
Apparently having banned all mirrors within a 300 mile radius of her current location, Donatella Versace has clearly opted to make her face the very embodiment of what a Versace handbag should be; an ancient, sun-baked catcher’s mitt worth way too much money. Countless surgical procedures have resulted in a spectacular demonstration of bad judgment that can be seen a mile away (if you’re lucky). Why she has decided that her face would look best as a cadaverous skull will never be understood. The sad reality is that it’s impossible to look at this woman and not wonder ‘Soooo…..that’s what happened to Seabiscuit?’ The one positive of her many surgical experiments is that she is the uncredited inspiration for ‘The Walking Dead,’ so she’s got that working for her. Oh, and her billions of dollars for supposedly being a style guru, if by ‘style’ you mean insanely expensive cloth draped over skeletal remains, that is.
3) Mickey Rourke
Yes, it’s true folks; this guy was once considered devilishly handsome. Talented and troubled, Rourke must’ve decided 20 years ago that he would turn his face into a canvas upon which his inner turmoil, rage, discontent and apparent adoration of ‘Leatherface’ could be displayed. He clearly felt this was the best means of giving a stern middle finger to Hollywood, which up until then had only provided him with fame and fortune and requested he show up sober and on time when filming, the bastards. Unfortunately, it has also made him one of the world’s most recognizable freaks. Why anyone would willingly expedite and intensify the human aging process with elective surgery to the extent they most closely resemble an Egon Schiele portrait, remains a mystery for the ages.
2) Goldie Hawn
Once one of the most naturally beautiful women in Hollywood, Hawn has embarked on an ill advised voyage through her own personal Salvador Dali inspired surgical nightmare. The results of her unnerving and innumerable procedures has been to warp her features into what can best be described as a ‘Jill-O-Lantern’. There seems to be a consensus among famous actresses over 40 that the concept of beauty is one that is literally as malleable as human flesh, despite the obvious fact that none of them can introduce their faces as evidence. The only upside to Hawn’s medical mayhem is that it may yet prove to be the catalyst for determining that her longtime partner Kurt Russell is rapidly going blind.
1) Joan Rivers
Don’t even tell me this is a surprise; Joan Rivers has been the unofficial spokeswoman for the anti-plastic surgery cartel for decades. This woman has literally had more surgical procedures with terrifying results than Boris Karloff. Why in the name of humanity she has been compelled to vandalize her face with surgical graffiti to the point she now resembles a long lost simian ancestor, is anyone’s guess. Having based her entire career on snarky, scathing insults towards other celebrities, it’s ironic that Rivers hasn’t yet realized that she has become her own very bad inside joke. The most horrifying aspect of her tragically disastrous procedures is that Joan Rivers actually thinks she looks good as a human siren whose constant wailing warns others that danger lurks ahead.